Artifacts
ar·ti·fact
/ˈärdəˌfak(t)/
noun
plural noun: artifacts
1.
an object made by a human being, typically an item of cultural or historical interest.
"gold and silver artifacts"
2.
something observed in a scientific investigation or experiment that is not naturally present but occurs as a result of the preparative or investigative procedure.
"widespread tissue infection may be a technical artifact"
The First Artifact. - Unfocused Energy
Three major changes happened to my life in the span of a week. This challenged every part of my humanity. I've wanted to give up before, throw in the towel on my life completely. At the very least I have had moments where I wanted to reset everything. These past three weeks, I actually did, I left my apartment. I agreed to change and I surrendered to the change. The first event, the woman that I had been seeing for over two years decided to break things off. I'd like to say that it came as a shock, but there was a slow build up to this. Overall I wished her well, and I listened to and heard her points. Many of them made sense to me, but all my mind wanted me to hear was that she wasn't happy with me. When all she had said was that she just wasn't happy. One thing in particular really rang true. That she had never given herself the year alone that she wanted. She wanted to really focus on herself and not be in a relationship. I threw a wrench in that, I thought "What if she can heal and grow even with me? Maybe she can heal better with me than without?" The wrench was welcome at the time, but I want to talk to you more about how this event caused chaos within me not because of her choice, but because of how I chose to force it to continue when we should’ve ended it. Long time listeners and watchers of the show will remember our stoicism episode and how it saved my life during that time. What I was referring to was the first time that she and I nearly ended things. I talked her into continuing it. The voice inside of me tells me that I should not have tried so hard to talk her into it. I know now that I did so out of fear. A fear that I, like many men have, a fear of being alone. But I think that’s misquoted or misspoken, it’s not the fear of being alone fear of continuing to exist without someone who understands you. I can’t speak for everyone when it comes to relationships but I think I do seek someone who understands me. I am able to cope with this now thanks to having new tools, such as a new methodology to managing stress, starting ADHD medication, and focusing more on my intuition. The former version of myself would not have coped quite the same way that I am now. This came to light when I was looking at some words that I had written down in a journal of mine about this whole experience. What was written is as follows.
The pattern.
Stability. I felt stable, until I didn’t.
Am I being led on? Is she true?
Does she live within her truth?
She says she is following her yes.
Should I prepare for the feeling of if I ever become her no?
The Second Artifact - Home.
That event triggered the following one. I was with her for about two years and about six months in we started having a conversation about whether or not I would live with her. I did want to live with her, but I would not force myself into that situation and disrespect her in that way. She was open to the idea but it just wasn’t time. Thanks to her my world has grown larger and more complicated. We both had freedom from the complication of a regular relationship, but none of the assurance it would last. I pretty much kept to myself in my house most of the time. I did my art and my writing, and I kept things simple, so should she ever want me to live with her I would be ready. She often would ask and make sure that I wasn’t feeling like I was waiting, but I suppose that there aren’t many words to describe it. I was remaining prepared but I never really felt like I was waiting.
When she broke things off, that feeling suddenly crashed inwards on me. The decision suddenly became very simple. My rent was too damn high and it was the first of the month. The rent was due in 15 days. If I wanted to avoid paying this month's rent then I was going to have to fall back on another option. My mother had been talking about me helping her renovate her house for about a year now and I haven’t had the time to do it. In exchange for the work I am now living in the upstairs apartment at her house. I had to move out of my apartment in about a week. It was frantic and stressful, I feel like I had to call upon some energy that I haven’t had to call upon in a very long time. This experience tested me and we got into a couple spats with my brother and my mother. Overall, we pulled through, understanding eachother more for it. The apartment is nearly set up now I’m starting to ease into my new existence.
The Third Artifact - The Story left Undone.
The third event, involved me realizing how much time and energy I have spent on endeavors that were not serving me. This realization came with National Novel Writing Month starting. It struck me like a lightning bolt, the realization that I had six books worth of story in my head, and I had only written 14 chapters of it. But I had this message that I really wanted to send to the world and a novel in a sci-fi setting was the way that I wanted to send it. I was trying to send this message and so many other ways and it wasn’t being received through my art, or my comics or my streaming. Upon digging into my notes in my outlines, and my endless sketches of characters and settings, I realized that the only way I was really going to get this done is if it became my only focus for the foreseeable future. Or until it was finished. National novel writing month has you writing 50,000 words in the span of a month. This can be a challenge for even a seasoned writer, and I’ve been out of the game for nearly 10 years. At the time of this writing, I am at about 5000 words, only 45,000 more to go but I’m determined to at least use this to light the fire and continue working on my novel for the rest of the year and well into next year.
The Fourth Artifact. - Memory Bestowed
Living with ADHD is not without its advantages. This past week, it provided an amazing realization that when I can get snapped into a hyperfocus ,I can get insane amounts of work done. I was able to finally organize and clean the garage with the intention of being able to park a car in there for the winter. That was when I started to see all the energy I was pouring into something that was never mine, was never going to return that same energy. But what I can create with my bare hands, something from nothing, that energy is well spent. I took two hours and made a plan, I stuck to it, and my mother returned home to see a clear spot in the garage for a vehicle. As I was sweeping, I bumped into a box and it fell over onto the ground, spilling its contents. What I saw there on the ground was a small matchbox car of the first car that I ever owned. The memory of that car is always a fond one and it reminded me of all the times that my family have been there for me. In fact, my family has always been very quick to react and assist me in things. The fact that they gave me that Ford Taurus and did not expect me to pay for it, except for the repairs and the fact that when I totaled it during an ice storm, my father drove out to collect me at the wreckers depot, where I even took images of it as a final farewell. That vehicle was one of the greatest things that I ever got to possess. Even in its final moments it was good to me, not a scratch on me and none of the glass even broke. Just like how my family has been good to me. It’s time I returned that favor. And put my energy in places that really matter.
-Matt
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